The Conscious Female; exposing the saboteur in my relationship.

What exactly is the unconscious/old feminine?

Let me start from the beginning and explain exactly, what I mean, by the unconscious or old feminine. Everyone´s journey of discovery is different. For me, it has been through an intimate relationship; with a man. The arch enemy of the unconscious female. Here, I began to recognize this destructive force; within my psyche.

On the day I got married, I felt her. Stronger then ever before, rising up from the background. She had finally got her need met and trapped her prize, into a life commitment. Now, she could come forward in all her unconscious glory and that is exactly what she did, for the next few years.

As this ancient old female energy emerged, from the depths of my psyche. It was accompanied by a physical clamping sensation, along the left side of my body. Especially gripping around my heart. As her stance locked in, one of the first things I felt, was this intense resistance, resentment and general anger around my partner. Just his very presence or existence made me boil and react negatively, for absolutely no good reason. It was like being in a state of chronic PMT; all the time. Except, I didn´t have my period and couldn´t blame it on my hormones.

I started to complain more and find faults, a lot of them, in how he was behaving. He wasn´t helping me around the house, he didn´t listen and was totally selfish. I began to look, at what was wrong with him and lost sight of his sweet, willing nature. I turned him into this patriarchal old male figure, who was out to repress me. Which ignited the absolute bloodthirsty rage, of the unconscious female in me. To a state of absolute fury.

At the time, I was certain, that I was right. I gossiped about him negatively, to any of my female friends, who would listen. They felt the same way about their partners, so it wasn´t hard to find allies to support my cause.

This old female programming, truly believed that she was the victim, of his insensitive, misogynistic attitude. That this anger and intense hatred, I felt towards him (and all men) was totally acceptable and necessary. The unconscious female, was telling me to claim, own, and express it. And most of all, not to let him get away with it. That he was trying to manipulate me and take me out of my power. I was the real victim here and he deserved this rage. In fact, if he wanted to support me, claiming my power back. He better damn well take it; like a real man. He, along with his forefathers of oppression, were to blame for my lack of equality and weakened state. So it was his responsibility, not mine, to clean up this legacy of repression and abuse.

The old female was passionately encouraging me. Her ways of thinking and belief systems, convincing me, that this rage and violent victim reaction was totally justified. That it was my time, our time as women, to speak up now against all this patriarchal suppression. The exploitation that women have suffered under, for centuries. That the backlog must be unleashed, if I was ever to find my power.

So, I listened and trusted, her seemingly flawless wisdom. In the end, it only created incredible pain and suffering. There was no promised land of power and freedom, at the finish line. All it did, was create hell in my body and my world. It very nearly led to the end of my marriage, with the love of my life. I am sure, many loving relationships, are sabotaged because of this.

As I gave more energy to these poisonous, unconscious female behaviors (that were out to blame and shame); symptoms arose in my body and mental health. I became depressed and chronically fatigued. I felt hard, haggard and old. I had body aches, hormonal and back problems. Not a pretty picture, but still I wasn´t going to take responsibility and give away my power; to some unconscious man. The bottom line is, the more I gave power to this unconscious female, the more I felt like I was dying inside.

I had made this old female, victim blame, behavior program so real. Her grip and negative reactions (that sought to create division) had become so tight, that it was going to take a miracle, to let go.

Ironically, the miracle came, when my incredibly loving and patient husband, claimed his power and truth. It was a real power. Based in love for himself and me. He was totally traumatized on a daily basis and could no longer abuse himself, by living with this old female violence. So, he gave me an ultimatum; either I started to look at what I was doing, and how I was hurting him (and myself) with this energy, or he was leaving. He wasn´t angry. Just devastated, heart broken and incredulous. He literally couldn´t do it anymore. It was killing him too.

This was the turning point. I am profoundly grateful, that the threat woke me up. He was my soul mate and I didn´t want to lose him. So, I chose to surrender and trust, the very last thing, the unconscious female in me, wanted to surrender to; a conscious man.

It took my husband, claiming his power, in the face of my unconscious female, to begin this journey.

I started to listen to how he felt and the effect my behavior, was having on him. Even though my old female ego was raging, I took in his feedback and wisdom. In the face of my unconscious reactions, I learned to surrender to him. I used his insight and vision around the unconscious female, to transform this energy inside of myself. I literally couldn´t have done it without him.

It took a warrior level of commitment and dedication on my part, but the hard work paid off. The great wisdom and vision he was offering, eventually became my anchor of reality. Rather then the negative and disconnected unconscious female. Through that surrender, I found the conscious female inside myself, and it changed my life completely. My symptoms started to disappear. I began to feel a renewed sense of passion and purpose. My health issues cleared up. I just felt so much happier and in love, and so did he.

I still reacted on a daily basis, but I had seen beyond the blindness, and didn´t want to go back to hell. I began to realize that this unconscious female, was an ancient, heavy, dark cloak. One that was repressing, my real, sweet, loving nature. Ultimately, it had nothing to do, with who I truly was. I had taken on, a very large aspect, of this old conditioning. In order to transform it and break a legacy that had been in my ancestry, for generations. I made a conscious choice, to go against this programming and evolve beyond it. Even though I had absolutely no reference points, for where it was taking me.

Once I stopped giving power to this unconscious female, there were no more problems in our relationship. Of course there were challenges and still are, but this terrible sense of rage and punishment no longer exists in the mix. We can truly listen to each other now, in a way that was just not possible, while the old female was ruling the roost.

That is why, I feel so passionate about this subject and launched this series. I want to share my insight and experience, because I know first hand, the absolute destruction, this unconscious female energy can create. Left unchecked, it wages war against the people you love, and annihilates your connection with your precious self. It´s a very painful reality to live in. Which is why, it is so important to identify this unconscious female, and talk about it.

This unconscious female, still lives in me and rears her head. I understand I´m not perfect and I no longer judge that she exists in me. What is so liberating though, is that I am on to her now. She no longer controls me unconsciously or runs the destructive show. That is where, I have found a power and love, both in myself and with my partner, that I never knew existed. Now I can express myself from a different place, a much more vulnerable and loving one. It feels so good, to have found a voice in me, that speaks truth, but carries no blame and creates no trauma. That is the conscious female.

The most dangerous thing about this unconscious female programming, is that it is highly seductive. It can convince you, that it is, the pathway to your liberation. It is not.

As women, we often support each other unconsciously in this place of victim consciousness. Some women´s groups and movements are defined around it. They have absolutely no idea, the filters and trauma they are perpetuating. It becomes a defining badge of honor, they are proud of, while being in denial about the effect it is having, on themselves and others. Particularly men.

I no longer have friends that support me in this unconscious place, under the guise of empowerment. I won´t tolerate it, because to do so, would make myself sick. I no longer want to drink my own self-created poison, that comes from the blame and shame game.

I am often surprised at the amount of women, who feel personally attacked, when I share my truth with them. One woman even told me; I hate women. Due to my vision. I honestly just felt so sad, as I know she has been so blinded by this victim blame mind-set, that she may never come back from it. She´s been brainwashed, along with millions of others, and that is; thereal tragedy of our times.

The only reason I know the difference, between the unconscious and conscious female in myself, is that I can feel it. It´s not just a concept anymore. It´s a real journey of self–empowerment. One, that I am totally dedicated to because; I have to be. I´ve been to her dark underworld and back, rubbed my nose in it and felt the cost. The good thing is, by bringing it all out into the open, I get to transform it. And give birth to the conscious female, who is now in charge of my life.

The unconscious female is; needy, angry, bitter, self righteous, filled with hatred and a sense of injustice, she feels like a victim and blames others for her own creation. She´s miserable and in pain, but ultimately, it´s every one else´s fault. Especially men and the patriarchy.

The conscious female is the opposite: she takes full responsibility, for all her reactions, creations, and traumas. She is here to break, not support, the legacy of unconscious, female programming that she has inherited. She has the intelligence to look at her own behavior, introspectively through observer consciousness. If she feels repressed by men or systems of patriarchy, she takes full ownership of all those feelings, and burns them up in the fire of purification. Because she knows, that is where, her true liberation and power lies. The conscious female, practices the art of Divine Alchemy. The unconscious female has mastered the art of victim blame.

I truly believe, that left to her own devices, this old female energy would have sent me to an early grave. It is a very dangerous energy to support, as you end up destroying your own self. It is a sickness. A twisted delusion. Disguised in words that may seem clever, but are filled with the blame game. If something carries real love, power and truth. It doesn´t make you sick; it expands you. It really is that simple.

That is the filter, we are looking at here, in this series. Together, as conscious women, we are facing this very tricky, seductive, eloquent, justified and highly sophisticated; blind spot, in the unconscious, female psyche. Not to judge ourselves, but to have the introspection and consciousness; to evolve beyond it.

The conscious female, is bringing out into the open; this unresolved bitterness and hatred, so that we can identify it. Then we can embrace and transform, to become the powerful, clear, amazing people; that we are.

In this place we are truly liberated, beyond our wildest dreams.

Written By Ciara Kirby